eye contact in reflections

a list of questions to bother my medical-student brother with:

1. What are the neurological impulses that signify "the meeting of eyes"?

a. "Eye contact" surely cannot be quantified by a ray of light reflecting off the other party's irises and bouncing into our own optical nerve, right? Otherwise, "eye contact" would be considered valid in scenarios with one-way glass or sunglasses.

2. There must be some sort of trigger mechanism that registers the realization: "ah that person has met my eyes".

a.To elaborate, there is a difference between looking at someone's eyes, and meeting someone's eyes. For example, if an optometrist is examining my eyes through an optical instrument, I can sense that their eyes are focused on my eyes. But since I cannot see the optometrist's own eyes, the eye connection is unidirectional and hence the act of "eye contact" did not occur.

3. To describe my understanding of "eye contact" as succinctly as possible:

a. Both parties focus their line of sight on each other's eyes.

b. There is a mutual acknowledgement that the other party knows they are being watched as well.

4. Eye contact is an essential tool of nonverbal communication among most creatures and I've honestly been pondering this question for a few years now, ever since I've developed the habit of observing strangers through their reflections on the subway windows. 

a. Empirically, I have seen (somewhat awkwardly) that eye contact can occur through a third-party medium such as a window reflection. Somehow, along the rays of light from my eyes to the glass to the stranger's eyes, there is the jolt: "Aha. I've been caught spying".

sanguine

Sanguine is an interesting word. I am no etymologist, but for some reason (most likely due to a book I have read in the past) I associate "sanguine" with blood. A quick search on the internet confirms that the second listed definition of the word is "blood red", and further down the list of related terms are "bloodthirsty" and "bloodshed". Synonyms for sanguine include "murderous". Sangrias are often red as well, I believe. 

Sanguine is derived from the Latin word "sanguis" for blood. So I do get quite confused when the top-ranked definition for sanguine is "marked by eager hopefulness, confidently optimistic". Does the optimism come from a murderous intent to smile in spite of difficulty? Does a rush of blood promote the flight-or-fight bodily response that affords an eager hopefulness for survival? There is most likely a logical explanation for the discrepancy in meaning behind this word (perhaps it is just anachronistic terminology), but I will always wonder for a moment whether I should smile at or flee from a person feeling sanguine. 

when you have many things to do but no willpower to get started, you make a bucket list of transportation systems to visit

 1. Hong Kong MTR

2. Eurostar 

3. Shinkansen

4. Moscow metro (look at this map!)

5. Stockholm Metro

I've been lately thinking about ways to become more environmentally conscious beyond the usual sorting of recyclables and compost. Driving less and opting for public transit (if the area permits) would be ideal, which leads me to search for places with good urban planning. 

a commitment to being a better human being

Ways I will make a sustained effort toward the movement for equality:

1. speak up against people who abuse a position of power
2. be involved in elections at all government levels
3. educate myself on injustice
4. work on a cause that improves the community

grocery stores

Having graduated from high school for two years now, I sometimes find myself in one of these situations at the local grocery store. Granted, these scenarios are not nearly as gripping as the choice between name brand, organic peanut butter versus generic, no-stir peanut-flavored paste, but my mind has been mulling over a few particular grocery store interactions, so I thought I might as well write about it. 

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A friend is approaching:

Friend: "Woah hey! How have you been?"

Me: "Haha pretty good, how about you?"

[Proceed to recite the classes and extracurricular activities of the past two semesters of college. Share kindred moments over cooking fiascos, roommate dynamics, and spontaneous late night adventures. Talk about internships and job prospects, and plans for the future. Inevitably circle back to funny and/or awkward high school memories, and collectively pool information about the relationships and whereabouts of our high school peers. Avoid addressing that one scenario from two years ago where you felt slightly out of the loop since everyone else seems to have moved on. Find out that the cashier has been waiting for a while now for you to hand over your grocery basket, so hastily make plans to catch up some more, though you aren't really sure what else there is to talk about. Ultimate fade from that person's mind until you run into them over holiday break at the grocery store again for another trip down memory lane.]

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An acquaintance is working the cash register:

[an internal stream of consciousness]

Oh yikes, do I say hi? Do you remember me?  I'll try for a slight head nod and faint smile, acknowledging that we spent the past seven years in each other's periphery. But then again, what if I am just another unrecognizable face from the public school system? I believe the only times we've talked were under the instructions of Think, Pair, Share. I don't think you were a mean kid at school, why didn't we ever cross paths? Maybe it is just a quirk of mine to recognize and remember the names of most people, and to not want to expect others to act likewise. Or maybe I'm just awkward.

"Oh no thanks, I brought my own bag. Have a nice day!"

Maybe I'll try again next week.

------

A parent of an elementary school friend is reaching for the same bag of unsalted, corn tortilla chips:

"KAITLYN! IS THAT YOU?"

I surreptitiously glance over my left and right shoulders, wondering if anyone named Kaitlyn is in the vicinity. As you may have guessed, there is not.

"Hi Ms. X-! It's nice to see you."

"YES IT IS! ARE YOUR PARENTS DOING WELL? I REMEMBER YOU AS A LITTLE GIRL RUNNING ON THE POOL DECK WITH [insert name of her child]."

"Ahaha yes, those were fun times. My parents are alright."

"HOW ARE YOU? DID YOU PICK A MAJOR IN COLLEGE YET?"

I answer briefly with my college, major, year, and loose career aspirations (just in case those plans go awry). I preemptively slide in my relationships status and agree that school is hard and I'm lucky to be where I am.

Sure enough, that seems to satisfy her curiosity and the mic is handed back. Ms. X turns on proud parent mode and proceeds to humble brag about the achievements and milestones of her child, while ending with an obligatory (but warm), "of course, [child] can work harder."

I smile and make a mental note to reach out to that elementary school friend, or at least look up their profile on social media to see how they're doing. We part amicably. 

------

Though it may seem like I'm poking fun with these templated interactions, by no means do I think they are shallow. People float in and out of your life, just as you float in and out of theirs. And I notice that my spirits usually lift after (mustering courage for) a talk with them. And so the grocery trips will continue. 

yeet it's May

    It has been an interesting end to my sophomore year of college. Most of the people I know have been safe and healthy, so that is all I can really ask for. I'll write the rest of this blog post under the guise of normalcy. 

                                                        ~~~ Ahem :^) ~~~

Despite the slightly terrifying situation of being two years away from the "real world" (whatever that may be), I have to say that each semester of college progressively gets better. We moved into our own apartment, cooked our meals, lugged our groceries from Trader Joe's up a breath-taking hill, wandered around Berkeley too late into the night, and fought off a few ant infestations. 

Looking back, I'm proud that I dove into new opportunities each semester, even if I felt severely underprepared and underqualified. I've taken leadership positions in clubs, did a summer of research, quit some other clubs, became a TA, and even exercised regularly (heh). Somehow my grades have improved, I'm less afraid of math, and I like studying even when the material at first glance looks like a foreign language. I also somehow navigated my first recruiting season, in which my friend (I owe her a lot) taught me how to do technical interviews, and I attempted to read Cracking the Coding Interview. Our team even tied for second place in our DSP class's contest :))) Since my internship is now remote, the first few days have just been submitting paperwork and attending virtual orientation, so I decided to catch up on the blog.

After rereading the first few paragraphs of my writing, it seems like fear is an underlying theme. I'm not sure when fear became such a prominent emotion in my thought processes, but rationalizing about it some more has led me to think that this emotion is more like a caution sign telling me to take each step with care, rather than a road block. Undoubtedly, fear exists on a sliding scale, and there are scarier things in this world than a college student failing. But I really really don't want this emotion to limit the things I try in life, even though I still feel hesitant to vocalize a dream for fear of not achieving it.

On that fun note, here are some summer goals for myself (aside from the usual laundry list of exercising, cooking, and good social/mental health):

1. make a lofi song
2. play piano
3. study some robotics

    Hopefully I can replenish my lack of creativity and culture by engaging in the arts before my mind dries out as an engineer. (jk engineering is creative too but I'm not on that level yet)

Though I'm pretty sure no one reads these blogs, here are my links :D

Donate: https://www.shfb.org/

Listen: Kenshi Yonezu + Aimer I will see them over BTS if either one ever comes to America.

Watch: Hospital Playlist Now I want to be a doctor with a merry band (aha) of friends, but honestly who wouldn't. Please note my career aspirations vary wildly with the currently airing Kdrama. 

Read: The Stranger [Albert Camus]. Why think my own existential thoughts when I can hear them from Meursault? 

Taste: Milk Bread (My roommate made this and it looked yummy so now I shall try too)

happy holidays lol