farming motivation!

In response to my previous haiku, written in the midst of dead week during which stringing together complete sentences takes far too much thought, here is a stretched out piece in which I try to figure out the coming few years of my life in the main way I know how -synthesizing other people's blog posts, cherry picking bits that I like, checking my latest occupational obsession based on the currently airing Kdrama, applying a weighted filter, and tossing it all to the wind.

My current status is a bit flighty. I feel competent but not confident. I suppose I can carry out tasks adequately (or maybe people are too nice to tell me otherwise), so theoretically I can probably jump off any branch, struggle a bit, and safely land. Nonetheless, this approximation of competency isn't too helpful in deciding which branch to leap off of.

To roughly quote my roommate and Captain Levi, "choose for yourself whatever you will regret the least, but don't get eaten".

So, I will turn to others who have mused the question of direction and see which suits myself.

Picking a Career

What can I enjoy in the "tiny unglamorous folds of the fabric of life"? What is a career I can choose that will mold so many aspects of my life (for better or worse). The author offers the following framework to help guide such a decision. Considering my risk tolerance and personal values, I would proportion my Yearning Octopus to be approximately 20% personal (driven by a fear of deathbed regrets and forgotten dreams), 5% social (I'd like to think I'm immune to the judgment of the broader society, save for a few people who hold my delicate ego intact), 5% lifestyle (a fun Friday for me is buying a new flavor of ice cream from Safeway), 20% moral (please let me believe that the world can get better), and 50% practical (thanks, Mom and Dad). 

Unpacking the previous revelations, I think a fear of failure is still the main "scary monster" of my life. Rationally, it isn't a fear of failing society, as I already decided to lower my social tolerance to 5%. I suppose then it is more a fear of practical failure, personal failure, and moral failure. Given my lack of an actual career, surely I cannot have personally or morally failed in those aspects yet. But the practical tentacle isn't exactly quaking yet either given the world's current tech obsession. So really there isn't much for me to fear, and I simply am hesitant to commit to a career that can potentially lead to a path of failure. Which, as I am typing this out, is self-admittedly a bit silly. 

So my general conclusion from this current career advice piece is: try something scary but don't do it half-heartedly. Mind the pace I am attempting life, retrospect and wallow in existential crises once in a while, apply a feedback loop, and keep chugging along. Also, try to get over the fear of fearing potential failure. I'd like to think that the added layer of fear abstraction is some character growth from my previous stage of direct fear-to-failure connection. 

Keeping Friends

Continuing along the theme of figuring out life, the proximity and spontaneity that college provides and friendships thrive on are likely to fade a bit in the coming years. For me, this boils down to putting in the work to reach out to friends and remaining genuine in our interactions :) Appropriate levels of vulnerability and empathy are helpful as well. 

Higher Education!

On the theme of farming motivation, I read a few blogs by people applying to grad school and was somewhat relieved to learn that they also were slightly clueless and not necessarily dead set from birth to pursue a higher degree. It does not need to be about something I think day and night about, as long as I am sufficiently curious and willing to work on it. The prospect of boosting my confidence with a degree I worked on, as well as the comfort of remaining a student perched above the jaws of corporate America for another year, are my main motivations so far. Year One into the pandemic, I thought that a direct pipeline to industry would feed my practicality yearning. Year Two has also passed, and given the constant state of ~uncertainty~, I think my tolerance to last minute swerves has been increased to the point where I apply to a Masters program two months before the deadline. 

Now that I have sufficiently procrastinated by writing this post and decided to Do The Thing, I suppose I should get started. Wish me luck! :D

Yes, I spent the last three days watching four seasons of Attack on Titan. No, I can't be bothered to properly format this image.