~~~
"Le mieux est l'ennemi du bien" has been the general theme of my final weeks of college as I submitted a CS project, published my Masters thesis, and order-of-magnitude-estimated through my final physics final.
Looking at my goals for 2023 (written back in December 2022), I have thankfully acquired employment. Perhaps I will write a post documenting my process with one of those cool timeline/Gantt charts, but basically I will stay at Apple (though on a different team). I have also practiced "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" to the point where it is recognizable (as in, my parents definitely recognize that a melody exists, though they've never listened to Death Cab for a Cutie before). I've also developed film rolls (the color ones done at a lab, and the black and white ones done at the school's darkroom)! As for functional uncertainty, it is still a work in progress, where I am continuously trying to find the right balance of efficiently coping and still making strides towards tangible ambitions.
As for my emotional state, I am mainly grateful, optimistic to try new things (triathlon, keyboard PCB design, some more studying haha), and striving to be a little less selfish/isolated by expanding my capacity to care about others more.
Anyways, on to the juicy stuff that y'all came here for. Remember how I said in SAD MOTH Ch. 1 that there wasn't an Austenian ending to this saga, and that "I thought I would be fed up with the foolish human construct of love, but James Baldwin convinced me otherwise that love is a decently difficult, if not respectable, endeavor"? Well yeah —turns out that despite Einstein defining insanity "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results," I tried again! To the same results! :') Kudos to the human condition, we really like to try, don't we?
Alright, from here on out, I want to be less flippant and speak respectfully in the off-chance that the people in this story somehow find this blog, as they are all genuinely kind folks who will receive a biased, one-sided portrayal given that this is a monologue and they have no opportunity to share their viewpoints on the events I am about to recount. I simply wish to (somewhat dramatically) document my thoughts at this youthful period of my life as an indulgence. So please enjoy, relate, dismiss, exact judgment, do whatever you desire regarding my thoughts and writing, but please refrain from making assumptions about the people in this story, given that they are all portrayed solely from my perspective. With the disclaimers announced, SAD MOTH Ch. 2 commences!
Looking at my goals for 2023 (written back in December 2022), I have thankfully acquired employment. Perhaps I will write a post documenting my process with one of those cool timeline/Gantt charts, but basically I will stay at Apple (though on a different team). I have also practiced "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" to the point where it is recognizable (as in, my parents definitely recognize that a melody exists, though they've never listened to Death Cab for a Cutie before). I've also developed film rolls (the color ones done at a lab, and the black and white ones done at the school's darkroom)! As for functional uncertainty, it is still a work in progress, where I am continuously trying to find the right balance of efficiently coping and still making strides towards tangible ambitions.
As for my emotional state, I am mainly grateful, optimistic to try new things (triathlon, keyboard PCB design, some more studying haha), and striving to be a little less selfish/isolated by expanding my capacity to care about others more.
Anyways, on to the juicy stuff that y'all came here for. Remember how I said in SAD MOTH Ch. 1 that there wasn't an Austenian ending to this saga, and that "I thought I would be fed up with the foolish human construct of love, but James Baldwin convinced me otherwise that love is a decently difficult, if not respectable, endeavor"? Well yeah —turns out that despite Einstein defining insanity "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results," I tried again! To the same results! :') Kudos to the human condition, we really like to try, don't we?
Alright, from here on out, I want to be less flippant and speak respectfully in the off-chance that the people in this story somehow find this blog, as they are all genuinely kind folks who will receive a biased, one-sided portrayal given that this is a monologue and they have no opportunity to share their viewpoints on the events I am about to recount. I simply wish to (somewhat dramatically) document my thoughts at this youthful period of my life as an indulgence. So please enjoy, relate, dismiss, exact judgment, do whatever you desire regarding my thoughts and writing, but please refrain from making assumptions about the people in this story, given that they are all portrayed solely from my perspective. With the disclaimers announced, SAD MOTH Ch. 2 commences!
~~~
We last left off attempting to breach the barrier between Dunbar's 5th circle of acquaintances (population: 500) to the slightly more intimate 4th circle of meaningful contacts (population: 150). By "attempt", I really mean joining crashing a spring break road trip with a bunch of my colleagues including Hedgehog, despite not knowing the majority of the group outside of a work context. It was honestly quite fun, and I would do it again, despite learning that Hedgehog already has a person of interest who is not the author of the blog you are currently reading. In the typical vein of romantic interests not working out, the result of this trip was a sort of directed, acyclic graph of attraction that I alone was privy to. It is my personal philosophy that for cases of non-life-endangering emotional knowledge, it is best to say nothing, so I've kept this in my head until now.
To summarize an aspect of the last 12 months, I essentially broke up twice over the course of my first relationship. Here are some biased, visceral thoughts (as most thoughts are) about the experience.
[At this point in writing the blog piece, I had to pause and think "Wow, I really am worrying about all this when so much else (political strife, war, economic uncertainty, human rights violations) is going on in the world. But if I had a therapist, I imagine that they would tell me to compartmentalize and that it is okay to focus on issues of a certain scope while keeping others on the back burner. So let's apply that now.]
I won't be as presumptuous as saying hearts were broken again (or at all), but it genuinely is excruciating to hold someone's vulnerability and not give them the words that they seek to hear, with the end goal of achieving what I personally wanted. During the second (final) break up conversation, I felt myself cringing as I channeled a platonic friend demeanor, proposing a retreat to more familiar grounds. I offered my reflections about feeling happy spending time together in the moment, though I've also felt apprehensive of each time I sensed him wanting more, while being respectful of my boundaries.
I ultimately felt unsettled and uncomfortable with the idea of being attached to someone. When well-meaning friends asked about him during catch-ups, I usually replied along the lines of "he's existing". I'm not entirely sure why I react this way. Perhaps I am socially-stunted from putting my guard up throughout college against more than platonic relationships to get through a male-dominated major with minimal drama. On the other hand, as someone (obtusely) told a friend of mine, one's current support network of friends and family won't treat you as their number one priority indefinitely, so partnering with someone is a way to secure mutual security? That seems like an awfully transactional frame of thinking.
As to why I agreed to try the relationship again after the first break up (2 months in), I think that I over-compensated on dismissing fictional, contrived romantic narratives. "Sparks" only exist in literature, therefore the lack of a spark is normal, and therefore hard work, empathy, and communication are what build a relationship. Therefore, it was normal to still feel awkward after so many months. Q.E.D. Michelle Obama (our north star) herself talked about a relationship never being 50/50, so I chalked up the emotional imbalance to me still being in student-mode, and not knowing how to shift my mindset and priorities to include another person. But then I finished school, my life felt empty and light, and I still felt unsettled at the thought of continuing what we had.
I wondered, "do I not like him, do I not like guys, or do I not like being in a relationship?".
My brain was telling me to go for it. He basically let me dictate the pace of the relationship, and made soup for me when I was sick. I should stop nitpicking and finding reasons why this would not work. Can I even pass my own obstacle course of standards and expectations?
After expressing that I wanted to go back to being just friends for the second time, I felt the tension in my shoulders dissipate, and I ironically became more physically relaxed and comfortable around him, confusing myself even more. Giving cognitive weight to your heart seems a bit silly, so I'll attribute all these thoughts to my brain (though colloquially they may "feel" more like "heart thoughts").
I wish that my thought process around liking someone could be a lot less cerebral? From traditional depictions in the stories I consumed, one is to first feel an inexplicable pull (sometimes referred to as a crush), then put in effort to see if it grows into something. I approached a relationship slightly backwards, in believing that with due diligence and good intentions, and maybe I'll grow to like them? But as someone who literally manifested a crush on Hedgehog from a convoluted line of reasoning that ranked a college relationship higher than an all-nighter on my bucket list, I can see in hindsight where this logic may derail. But in this modern day setting, where I had no need to build good rapport with the other party in order to survive (and be happy), this was not a feasible mindset to approach a relationship with.
In past occurrences (not many) in which a friend had confessed to me, I had always asked to stay friends. When they ultimately drifted away, I would second guess our friendship and wonder if there was always an underlying agenda. I do not attribute any blame for this paradox -I myself would prefer a friend-to-lovers route. With one friend in the past, I ultimately regret declining without first giving it a chance -a classic "what if".
This time around, I jumped head first and agreed to starting a relationship to see if it would result in a different outcome. Nonetheless, we ended up at this break up conversation, in which I was scared and honest in saying "I don't want a relationship". At one year in, I felt by now that I should be able to confidently say "I like you". But I could not, and when they say they'll wait for you to catch up, that they'll go at your pace, I still perversely construed it as an expectation that I'll eventually catch up, that I'll eventually be happy to do those sorts of things, making my mind resist and backpedal even more.
At the moment, I mainly felt sorry and selfish to stop where I wanted to stop, which is probably rooted in people-pleasing tendencies. These are a lot of words (or excuses?) to express that I simply wanted to try a relationship, did not like him, and was too (insert appropriate descriptor -cowardly?) to say so.
Sometimes, I want to cope and say "Well, it's not that deep". Localized to this situation, at this point in time, I am not ready and do not want a relationship. I realized that fact too late into a relationship given my inexperience, succumbed to societal expectations to date, and dragged someone along for the ride.
I find that "le mieux est l'ennemi du bien" is an air one can pull off with a blasé hair flip when operating within one's own domain for one's own purposes. Once I factor in other human beings, nonchalance gets too murky.
If you're reading this, I had fun times, but I want to pause this particular branch of growth for now. Thank you for not saying anything hurtful while my awkward and unfiltered stream-of-consciousness dealt the majority of the emotional damage, and for allowing me to hope that we can remain friends.
If this piece sounds pretentious and moody, I had watched Chungking Express right before writing this -what else can you expect?
To summarize an aspect of the last 12 months, I essentially broke up twice over the course of my first relationship. Here are some biased, visceral thoughts (as most thoughts are) about the experience.
[At this point in writing the blog piece, I had to pause and think "Wow, I really am worrying about all this when so much else (political strife, war, economic uncertainty, human rights violations) is going on in the world. But if I had a therapist, I imagine that they would tell me to compartmentalize and that it is okay to focus on issues of a certain scope while keeping others on the back burner. So let's apply that now.]
I won't be as presumptuous as saying hearts were broken again (or at all), but it genuinely is excruciating to hold someone's vulnerability and not give them the words that they seek to hear, with the end goal of achieving what I personally wanted. During the second (final) break up conversation, I felt myself cringing as I channeled a platonic friend demeanor, proposing a retreat to more familiar grounds. I offered my reflections about feeling happy spending time together in the moment, though I've also felt apprehensive of each time I sensed him wanting more, while being respectful of my boundaries.
I ultimately felt unsettled and uncomfortable with the idea of being attached to someone. When well-meaning friends asked about him during catch-ups, I usually replied along the lines of "he's existing". I'm not entirely sure why I react this way. Perhaps I am socially-stunted from putting my guard up throughout college against more than platonic relationships to get through a male-dominated major with minimal drama. On the other hand, as someone (obtusely) told a friend of mine, one's current support network of friends and family won't treat you as their number one priority indefinitely, so partnering with someone is a way to secure mutual security? That seems like an awfully transactional frame of thinking.
As to why I agreed to try the relationship again after the first break up (2 months in), I think that I over-compensated on dismissing fictional, contrived romantic narratives. "Sparks" only exist in literature, therefore the lack of a spark is normal, and therefore hard work, empathy, and communication are what build a relationship. Therefore, it was normal to still feel awkward after so many months. Q.E.D. Michelle Obama (our north star) herself talked about a relationship never being 50/50, so I chalked up the emotional imbalance to me still being in student-mode, and not knowing how to shift my mindset and priorities to include another person. But then I finished school, my life felt empty and light, and I still felt unsettled at the thought of continuing what we had.
I wondered, "do I not like him, do I not like guys, or do I not like being in a relationship?".
My brain was telling me to go for it. He basically let me dictate the pace of the relationship, and made soup for me when I was sick. I should stop nitpicking and finding reasons why this would not work. Can I even pass my own obstacle course of standards and expectations?
After expressing that I wanted to go back to being just friends for the second time, I felt the tension in my shoulders dissipate, and I ironically became more physically relaxed and comfortable around him, confusing myself even more. Giving cognitive weight to your heart seems a bit silly, so I'll attribute all these thoughts to my brain (though colloquially they may "feel" more like "heart thoughts").
I wish that my thought process around liking someone could be a lot less cerebral? From traditional depictions in the stories I consumed, one is to first feel an inexplicable pull (sometimes referred to as a crush), then put in effort to see if it grows into something. I approached a relationship slightly backwards, in believing that with due diligence and good intentions, and maybe I'll grow to like them? But as someone who literally manifested a crush on Hedgehog from a convoluted line of reasoning that ranked a college relationship higher than an all-nighter on my bucket list, I can see in hindsight where this logic may derail. But in this modern day setting, where I had no need to build good rapport with the other party in order to survive (and be happy), this was not a feasible mindset to approach a relationship with.
In past occurrences (not many) in which a friend had confessed to me, I had always asked to stay friends. When they ultimately drifted away, I would second guess our friendship and wonder if there was always an underlying agenda. I do not attribute any blame for this paradox -I myself would prefer a friend-to-lovers route. With one friend in the past, I ultimately regret declining without first giving it a chance -a classic "what if".
This time around, I jumped head first and agreed to starting a relationship to see if it would result in a different outcome. Nonetheless, we ended up at this break up conversation, in which I was scared and honest in saying "I don't want a relationship". At one year in, I felt by now that I should be able to confidently say "I like you". But I could not, and when they say they'll wait for you to catch up, that they'll go at your pace, I still perversely construed it as an expectation that I'll eventually catch up, that I'll eventually be happy to do those sorts of things, making my mind resist and backpedal even more.
At the moment, I mainly felt sorry and selfish to stop where I wanted to stop, which is probably rooted in people-pleasing tendencies. These are a lot of words (or excuses?) to express that I simply wanted to try a relationship, did not like him, and was too (insert appropriate descriptor -cowardly?) to say so.
Sometimes, I want to cope and say "Well, it's not that deep". Localized to this situation, at this point in time, I am not ready and do not want a relationship. I realized that fact too late into a relationship given my inexperience, succumbed to societal expectations to date, and dragged someone along for the ride.
I find that "le mieux est l'ennemi du bien" is an air one can pull off with a blasé hair flip when operating within one's own domain for one's own purposes. Once I factor in other human beings, nonchalance gets too murky.
If you're reading this, I had fun times, but I want to pause this particular branch of growth for now. Thank you for not saying anything hurtful while my awkward and unfiltered stream-of-consciousness dealt the majority of the emotional damage, and for allowing me to hope that we can remain friends.
If this piece sounds pretentious and moody, I had watched Chungking Express right before writing this -what else can you expect?
~~~
Some 35mm film photos. B/W developed at the school's darkroom; color processed by Memphis Labs in Ohio.
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| GGB |
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| Fort Funston on New Year's day |
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| cat :3 |
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| Bird's-eye view from the Campanile. |
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