Thursday, July 2, 2020

a commitment to being a better human being

Ways I will make a sustained effort toward the movement for equality:
  1. speak up against people who abuse a position of power
  2. be involved in elections at all government levels
  3. educate myself on injustice
  4. work on a cause that improves the community

Saturday, May 30, 2020

grocery stores

Having graduated from high school for two years now, I sometimes find myself in one of these situations at the local grocery store. Granted, these scenarios are not nearly as gripping as the choice between name brand, organic peanut butter versus generic, no-stir peanut-flavored paste, but my mind has been mulling over a few particular grocery store interactions, so I thought I might as well write about it. 

-----

A friend is approaching:

Friend: "Woah hey! How have you been?"

Me: "Haha pretty good, how about you?"

[Proceed to recite the classes and extracurricular activities of the past two semesters of college. Share kindred moments over cooking fiascos, roommate dynamics, and spontaneous late night adventures. Talk about internships and job prospects, and plans for the future. Inevitably circle back to funny and/or awkward high school memories, and collectively pool information about the relationships and whereabouts of our high school peers. Avoid addressing that one scenario from two years ago where you felt slightly out of the loop since everyone else seems to have moved on. Find out that the cashier has been waiting for a while now for you to hand over your grocery basket, so hastily make plans to catch up some more, though you aren't really sure what else there is to talk about. Ultimate fade from that person's mind until you run into them over holiday break at the grocery store again for another trip down memory lane.]

------

An acquaintance is working the cash register:

[an internal stream of consciousness]

Oh yikes, do I say hi? Do you remember me?  I'll try for a slight head nod and faint smile, acknowledging that we spent the past seven years in each other's periphery. But then again, what if I am just another unrecognizable face from the public school system? I believe the only times we've talked were under the instructions of Think, Pair, Share. I don't think you were a mean kid at school, why didn't we ever cross paths? Maybe it is just a quirk of mine to recognize and remember the names of most people, and to not want to expect others to act likewise. Or maybe I'm just awkward.

"Oh no thanks, I brought my own bag. Have a nice day!"

Maybe I'll try again next week.

------

A parent of an elementary school friend is reaching for the same bag of unsalted, corn tortilla chips:

"KAITLYN! IS THAT YOU?"

I surreptitiously glance over my left and right shoulders, wondering if anyone named Kaitlyn is in the vicinity. As you may have guessed, there is not.

"Hi Ms. X-! It's nice to see you."

"YES IT IS! ARE YOUR PARENTS DOING WELL? I REMEMBER YOU AS A LITTLE GIRL RUNNING ON THE POOL DECK WITH [insert name of her child]."

"Ahaha yes, those were fun times. My parents are alright."

"HOW ARE YOU? DID YOU PICK A MAJOR IN COLLEGE YET?"

I answer briefly with my college, major, year, and loose career aspirations (just in case those plans go awry). I preemptively slide in my relationships status and agree that school is hard and I'm lucky to be where I am.

Sure enough, that seems to satisfy her curiosity and the mic is handed back. Ms. X turns on proud parent mode and proceeds to humble brag about the achievements and milestones of her child, while ending with an obligatory (but warm), "of course, [child] can work harder."

I smile and make a mental note to reach out to that elementary school friend, or at least look up their profile on social media to see how they're doing. We part amicably. 

------

Though it may seem like I'm poking fun with these templated interactions, by no means do I think they are shallow. People float in and out of your life, just as you float in and out of theirs. And I notice that my spirits usually lift after (mustering courage for) a talk with them. And so the grocery trips will continue. 


Tuesday, May 19, 2020

yeet it's May



    It has been an interesting end to my sophomore year of college. Most of the people I know have been safe and healthy, so that is all I can really ask for. I'll write the rest of this blog post under the guise of normalcy. 

                                                        ~~~ Ahem :^) ~~~

Despite the slightly terrifying situation of being two years away from the "real world" (whatever that may be), I have to say that each semester of college progressively gets better. We moved into our own apartment, cooked our meals, lugged our groceries from Trader Joe's up a breath-taking hill, wandered around Berkeley too late into the night, and fought off a few ant infestations. 

Looking back, I'm proud that I dove into new opportunities each semester, even if I felt severely underprepared and underqualified. I've taken leadership positions in clubs, did a summer of research, quit some other clubs, became a TA, and even exercised regularly (heh). Somehow my grades have improved, I'm less afraid of math, and I like studying even when the material at first glance looks like a foreign language. I also somehow navigated my first recruiting season, in which my friend (I owe her a lot) taught me how to do technical interviews, and I attempted to read Cracking the Coding Interview. Our team even tied for second place in our DSP class's contest :))) Since my internship is now remote, the first few days have just been submitting paperwork and attending virtual orientation, so I decided to catch up on the blog.

After rereading the first few paragraphs of my writing, it seems like fear is an underlying theme. I'm not sure when fear became such a prominent emotion in my thought processes, but rationalizing about it some more has led me to think that this emotion is more like a caution sign telling me to take each step with care, rather than a road block. Undoubtedly, fear exists on a sliding scale, and there are scarier things in this world than a college student failing. But I really really don't want this emotion to limit the things I try in life, even though I still feel hesitant to vocalize a dream for fear of not achieving it.

On that fun note, here are some summer goals for myself (aside from the usual laundry list of exercising, cooking, and good social/mental health):
  1. make a lofi song
  2. play piano
  3. study some robotics
    Hopefully I can replenish my lack of creativity and culture by engaging in the arts before my mind dries out as an engineer. (jk engineering is creative too but I'm not on that level yet)

Though I'm pretty sure no one reads these blogs, here are my links :D


Listen: Kenshi Yonezu + Aimer I will see them over BTS if either one ever comes to America.

Watch: Hospital Playlist Now I want to be a doctor with a merry band (aha) of friends, but honestly who wouldn't. Please note my career aspirations vary wildly with the currently airing Kdrama. 

Read: The Stranger [Albert Camus]. Why think my own existential thoughts when I can hear them from Meursault? 

Taste: Milk Bread (My roommate made this and it looked yummy so now I shall try too)

happy holidays lol


Monday, January 21, 2019

it's january.

Another break, come and gone.
A reflection of the past year would be appropriate, but enough retrospection goes on in my head that I don't think it warrants a separate blog post.

Rather, I'll set a goal to attack life at a sustainable pace with a bullet journal (read: glorified to-do list) in hand.

I suppose my break was semi-productive. I got to finally build a new portfolio site, hike a few trails with my parents, make omurice, and read lots of books.

During a luscious lapse of doing absolutely nothing, I watched a Korean web-drama, titled "연애 강요하는 사회", or "A Society Obsessed with Love."

It was a rather timely dose of chicken soup for a cynical, albeit inexperienced, soul. It basically told the story of a college student, Han Sa-rang (whose name ironically means love), and her appreciation of her life as a single person.

With friends, co-workers, and general society pressuring her into finding a relationship, she questions whether the life she currently enjoys is not a fulfilled state of being.

Outwardly, it is clear that the answer is no, a relationship is not a requirement for a complete life. But I appreciated the drama's depiction of Sa-rang's descent into self-doubt, her attempt at having a relationship, and her ultimate return to appreciating the life she led independently.

Part of the appeal of "A Society Obsessed with Love" was Sa-rang's adamant defense of her lifestyle, which included trying out new recipes, being a cat mom, practicing photography, working part-time, and doing well in her studies. She appears immune to the commentary of her peers, who wonder if her busy life is the reason for the lack of a relationship, yet their judgment still hurts.

She simply feels more comfortable on her own. Nonetheless, she tries out a relationship for the sake of doing so. Though both her and her boyfriend were respectful and kind, Sa-rang felt as if she were losing the enjoyable aspects of her life.

As this was a drama, the catalyst for her breakup clearly had to be her cat suffering a serious medical emergency, leading Sa-rang to question her priorities in life. After a mutual end to the relationship, she undeniably felt regret for hurting a person who cared for her. But she was free to resume the life she chose for herself.

She baked an apology gift for her cat (lol), started working out with her roommate, joined an exchange program to Canada, and thought about what she really wants to do in the future. She had confidence in not dating, and felt fulfillment in cherishing everything around her and living for herself, as herself.

In all honesty, my thoughts on the matter may change as time passes. But for now, it was a reassuring message that there is no wrong on focusing on a future for oneself, and living happily in independence. So I'll start 2019 from there, working through school, and trying my best to maintain a life with happiness and health. :)

Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F64yFFnZfkI
Book: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_Man%27s_Folly
Trail: https://www.parks.ca.gov/?page_id=517

Sunday, September 2, 2018

Reflections on being a week and a half into college

After a long long period of purposeful deprioritization or a general display of apathy towards writing, I've decided to scribble up this quick reflection during the BART ride home for Labor Day weekend. The sweet sounds of screeching rails and the distinctive smell of communal commuter misery will be good companionship as I dig up the memories to this "once in a lifetime" start that is college. Who knows, this may be the beginning of the end of my education before joining the workforce, or, alternatively, only the first steps of a long path ahead in academia. A few other ideas that I attempted to write out previously have been added to this post, but the themes fit in well enough.

I spoke of introversion, and the difficulty of reaching out meaningfully. The first few days, and honestly even now, was a permutation of parroting "Hey my name is [ ], I'm majoring in [ ], and I'm from [40% Norcal, 30% Socal, 10% some place abroad, 10% a non-Californian state, 10% self-described 'desert in the middle of nowhere']".

But similar to methodically popping the bubbles on bubble wrap, or whacking the moles in an arcade game, I can see the necessity of making abundant introductions in hopes of stumbling across of group where conversation can be held in an excess of five minutes. Create a group chat, throw in an inside joke and dinner plans, and college feels like a slightly less lonely place.

I'm lucky in that a few high school friends are here with me, and that I can go home virtually anytime I wish. The transition for others has not been as nearly as convenient as it has been for me. The setting is still foreign, but I take comfort in the routine of making my bunk bed and vacuuming on Sundays. Ideally, a clean space would reflect a slightly less cluttered mind :^)

Not much has changed about me, despite turning eighteen. It was strange not spending my birthday with my family, but my friends (new and old) helped fill the gap wonderfully <3

Of course, college hasn't been just a blissful happy bubble. Sometimes the feeling of being lost wells up as I walk through a sea of unrecognizable faces. Hearing about peers taking twice as many classes and securing summer internships further cultivates a sense of being underqualified.

But I'm trying my best XD

It's fun to chat with random people I met at lecture to learn about their hobbies back home, or to hear how many miles they travelled to get here. It's reassuring to talk to upperclassmen and learn about the classes and organization they appreciate, and how they still don't know what they will do in life. I'd like to think I've been a generally amiable human being, even venturing out to an EECS social (which my friend pointed out as an oxymoron). I try to comfort people when they feel out of place or that they made a mistake. Life is too vast for me to generalize about, but I figure that it helps and hurts people at different times, so might as well help others through the process. Most of the people I've encountered are friendly and pretty cool to learn from, and if I run into some people who aren't, I suppose the campus is big enough for everyone :)

A Miyazaki essay I had read over the summer lamented how growing beyond childhood resulted in a loss of clarity. I thought at the age of eight that I would be a panda researcher when I grew up. Ten years later, I have less of a sense of where I would like to be, so I can see some validity in Miyazaki's statement. College advisers tell us to know ourselves, crafting a well-rehearsed elevator pitch that highlights key resume points. A child-like understanding of who I was and what I could be is perhaps being adorned (armored?) with LinkedIn updates.

Backtracking to the idea of identity, all I know is that my Hogwarts house flipped from Slytherin to Gryffindor at some point in the summer, and that I am not interested in consulting.

However, I rather enjoy going to class and even studying. College material feels more succinct and applicable, whether it is solving some systems of linear equations, or practicing 한글. PE is cool too, since it forces me for a set amount of time to not be hunched over a laptop or book. I think my favorite hobby so far is exploring the various libraries on campus, in search of the perfect patch of sunlight streaming through a window to settle in.

I've learned some non academic things as well, such as identifying whether a person has alcohol poisoning, and the best techniques for stashing food from the dining halls to save on meal swipes. I'm ready to struggle and hopefully come out with something worthwhile (besides an EECS degree and chronic sleep deprivation). This post is becoming long-winded now, so I'll wrap up as my stop is coming up.

To the person I was within the vicinity of during the CS lecture: I truly admire your passion and dedication to the subject, but please take care of yourself, especially in regards to hygiene, for the well-being of yourself and others around you :)

The memes do not necessarily need to be accurate.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

台灣 :D

Day 7 - Wednesday, June 13

Landed in Taiwan #1!!! So much food @.@ After walking a bit around Ximending, or the "Harajuku of Taipei," we ate some 牛肉麵 in a basement and called it a day, after -of course- stopping by a grocery store.

Taipei Main Station

Ximending

Taiwan #1!!!

noodles

durian!


Day 8 - Thursday, June 14

Yup, these blogs are definitely getting shorter. In retrospect, I should've split up the posting of the Korea trip, but meh. Onwards!

Day 8 consisted of a lot of public-transiting. After a subway and bus ride, we landed at the National Palace Museum, where I learned that no royalty actually live there. Only in Taiwan would the most popular museum relic be a jade bok choy and some-sort-of-mineral hunk of pork.

no one lives here

boy choy!

meat

Lunch - a Hong Kong style cafe, with reallyyyy good milk tea.




Some more trains and buses later, we arrived at the Beitou Hot Springs. The park had a lovely public foot spa and pleasant entertainment and gentle exercise for senior citizens or those wishing to be.

the water was REALLY hot

public karaoke

exercise!


*inhales sulfur*



The Tamsui (淡水) District is similar to Fisherman's Wharf in SF, but 50% cheaper. My passion fruit green tea (freshly blended without any fruit syrup) was less than $2 T-T. Some spicy cats and dogs also lived among the food and accessory stalls, guarding the wares with sharp eyes and bushy tails.

that is NOT a statue

passion fruit green tea!

meow





it's todoroki shoto >.>

Day 9 - Friday, June 15

Another train ride brought us to Hualien, a quiet vacation town with no discernable industry aside from moped racing and fruit selling. Biking along the streets, racing with taxis and mopeds carrying grandmothers, infants, and dogs without any stop signs at intersections was quite the adventure.

found a totoro!

After eating at the night market, we ate more food! Goose + boba. Gosh, there is so much boba in Taiwan T_T. Buying milk tea for twice the price will surely hurt when we return :P







Day 10 - Saturday, June 16

Happy to announce that I have officially adventured into a grim grotto (heh, get the reference?). We did some more bus riding to Taroko National Park, where the aboriginal Truku reside. Aside from scenic gorges and monkeys clinging to cliffs, the fluttering butterflies and comforting hum of the cicadas made me really want to fall asleep on the mountain.



monkey




Learning about the history of indigenous tribes in Taiwan before the influx of Han Chinese, made me curious about how their native people have similar customs and living practices as Native Americans, and how both groups (and probably indigenous groups all over the world) experienced the same invasion of their home. In that respect, what does "civilization" really mean, and who is to set the standard of mainstream living.

We also had dinner at this fancy Italian pasta/buffet place with Alice in Wonderland vibes (a weird mix in Hualien) which tasted good nonetheless!



Side note: I was watching the anime movie Summer Wars and it nicely restores faith in humanity and a prescient view of the future :D

Day 11 - Sunday, June 17

Took yet another train back to Taipei, and had more boba! Yay! (We really don't change our ways much, even when abroad). Then we finished up the day wandering around Ximending's market for more food O_O

"frog egg" milk tea (best boba ever)

doggo on a moped

pork bun

our mascot is waifu

is "milk ice cream" redundant?

Day 12 - Monday, June 18


The morning consisted of exploration around the Daan (大安) District for a breakfast of soymilk and youtiao (油條). After wandering around a forest-like park to avoid the rain, we took the subway to the Chiang Kai-shek Memorial Hall to watch the changing of the guards. Just watching the performance made me sympathize for the guards, who had to stand for an hour in hot and humid weather without twitching a muscle.

breakfast

it's raining in a park -someone trace my foot pls






Xiaolongbao are good for any meal, and we had three baskets for lunch :3
We finished the day with a lot of shopping in the underground station markets. There are so many cute things in Taiwan >-<




Day 13 - Tuesday, June 19

For our last full day in Taiwan, we took the Maokong gondola ride over the hills and up to some tea plantations. A bumpy bus ride down brought us to the Taipei Zoo, where the rest of the afternoon was spent watching the animals roll around and sleep in the heat.


fun


find the tea harvester

hello, panda




More food exploration in Daan rounded out the day, and with that, our trip to Taiwan wrapped up :)
we ate this-

-then this

Day 14 - Wednesday, June 20

Time to fly home! Ahhh I start work on Monday….