roses and response [letter]

Hiya Moses/Em/Momo/Mo,

x

How was "prom"??? Just today, my coworker was asking me about my high school prom experience, since her son was attending his own soon. Fun fact, my high school prom was hosted at the Exploratorium as well. I mainly remember my feet hurting and wandering around the exhibits.  Please send outfit pics if you have any!

Your interpretation of "not overlapping tires" is spot on. Usually, it is the person in the rear who is at most risk of crashing if their front tire catches on the rear tire of the biker in front of them, should the front biker suddenly veer. 

On the topic of the Bay, this past weekend I stopped to smell the roses at the San Jose Municipal Rose Garden. My friend, Ant, had a corporate event involving a "walkathon" fundraiser at the rose garden, so I tagged along to appreciate the spring bloom. Here is a photo he took, since my film is still undeveloped. This is entirely empirical, but I found that the yellow rose varieties usually smelled much sweeter than any other color. On the drive back north, we stopped by Mussel Rock Park to take pictures of his car (I was trying to emulate the vibe of the movie poster for Drive My Car). Anyways, the drive along Highway 1 with the view of the Pacific Ocean and California coast was just breathtaking.

I also thought about your hobby of roller skating, and how it has elements of risky exhilaration (at least in my newbie experience) and pain, albeit in a form much more spontaneous and sharp than the more sustained and predictable kind that comes from cardio.

I didn't necessarily anticipate a complex plot for Monkey Man due to NPR's coverage; I think I just am uninitiated to that particular genre of "John Wick"-esque action movies (i.e. I never watched John Wick before). There were moments in Monkey Man where we flat out chuckled in disbelief at the over-the-top violence (no spoilers in case you watch), but I can see a cathartic component in the over-abundance. I watched Monkey Man also with Ant, whom I suppose I was never disconnected to, but never mentioned to you before. We tend to bike and Bart together, so I admit these new hang out activities were a little disorienting.

I actually am terrified at the notion of a hobby car, given my lack of formal mechanic training and the fact that I would have to operate a vehicle potentially sabotaged by my untrained monkey hands. The most I'll do is change a tire.

As for LA, we (Vivian, Iris, Vivian's old roommate Michelle -Susan was busy) took a rental (Camry!) down. We had so many conversations in the car, from analyzing our values, to discussing recent abortion legislation, to strange names that parents name their children (r/namenerds). I last took PTO around Christmas, so I think I was still adjusting to the dearth of academic Spring Break when I made my escape to LA.

I'm not sure if we discussed this before, but I also owe a lot of my younger music taste to my older brother, by virtue of sharing an iPod. However, he had a taste for Glee covers and bossa nova. (Btw I'm listening to your Wee(b) kid days (nice) while writing -ah Nujabes! I'll let you know my impressions of visceral after listening.) Hmm, in terms of song recommendations, I've been listening to Fujii Kaze (https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1wt1xM3SE7MlUQfZUTfGnv?si=7f1b77a315304acb) and this playlist lately (https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6l4ttPHUT14g5IR3Wag9zc?si=f3cab5e5975242f1). I also like The Last Dinner Party!

The festival was indeed crowded, but we didn't acquire any new books. The amount of self-published authors was pretty cool! Two booths that I remember are one of children's books written by children, and one of African folklore/fantasy YA. I did finish Boys in the Boat, and it made me curious about the concept of "swing", which apparently is this magical moment when the crew is entirely synchronous and the boat feels as if it were flying. I've also heard about body asymmetry from my dragon boat friends! Which side of the boat did you row on? Julia also joined the Cal rowing club her Junior year, and I have memories of tagging along to the rowing cage in the basement of the RSF to try out the rowing machines (erg). The amount of sweat I saw from her team members erging was astounding. 

1. I'm glad you are okay!!!! How are the car insurance shenanigans going?

2. I think the midterm is nicely balanced! Overall, it felt pretty conceptual, and I liked the puzzle-ish feelings on the ones that did have some computation. It's great news that the class is improving! 

3. Ahh I've been very curious about your motorcycle class experience -thanks for sharing! What was so terrifying about the motorcycle that came to light only when faced with the physical task of operating one -was it the clutch? As in, I can imagine a bunch of scary things about riding a motorcycle right now, but it seems like you were okay with that notion up until the practical portion (if that question makes sense). I'm glad you got the hang of it in the end 🙂

4. Congrats on your teaching position(s)! Have you initiated your intra-Berkeley move yet? And yay, I hope to see you more in SF as well!

5. Is there anything particular in biophysics that has caught your interest? And how is the diffusion simulation going? For me, stochastic simulation reminds me of phase transitions and Ising Models 😀

6. I'm glad you've been so social and active in connecting with others! I admire your social battery, and I've been wondering how to expand my own capacity. How is Little Blue Encyclopedia (for Vivian), if you started?

7. Ahhh! Did it hurt? Are you happy with the results?

Now, a question for you:

Do you have thoughts on personality quizzes? Pseudo-science? In any case, here are two I took recently: https://nsq.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_09skGWMAzEiru3s,

https://www.truity.com/test/toxic-traits-personality-quiz.

P.S. Is there meaning behind the various names in your signature?

Here for the foreseeable future, 

-

triathlon, cars, LA [letter]

Hiya Moses!

Unfortunately I'm not free next Saturday, but please tell me more about the dance event!

This past April, I've finally joined a triathlon club. I've been on two group rides around the Los Altos/Palo Alto area, with each ride being approximately 32-34 miles. The people in the club are very friendly to beginners, and they made sure to check my gear and explain some basic safety principles of group riding (i.e. not overlapping tires). To be honest, I thought I was an okay rider, but these people were super fit and fast! Even as I fell behind, they made sure to pause and regroup every so often along the route. Towards the last five miles of my first ride, I was slowing down considerably out of exhaustion, but one of the riders was kind enough to ride directly in front of me to give me a draft (by decreasing the air resistance). I used to complain about South Bay being a kind of tech purgatory with nothing to do, but riding through the rolling hills and shaded woods while admiring the horses and farmland (in such close proximity to industry and urban civilization) made me more appreciative.. 

In addition to biking, I've dipped my toes into open water swimming, which I am very enthusiastic about. So far I've only swam in the Foster City lagoon, but something about bobbing about in cold water with no sight of the bottom or restrictions in the form of lane lines or walls is very peaceful. I hope to join other open water swims in Aquatic Park (SF) and Santa Cruz once I become more experienced.

Though I haven't registered for any races yet, my goal is to start out with a sprint distance this year, perhaps at the one hosted by Cal Triathlon. It is motivating to see people be fit and take care of their health! My friend lightly teased me about cardio being my hobby, but I think having small amounts of pain and endorphins in a controlled environment is satisfying.

Two weekends ago, I hung out separately with two old friends from high school. I went with the first friend to watch Monkey Man, which I had heard about on NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast. One of my favorite sequences of the film was of a pickpocketed wallet traversing from a woman's purse, to a fake beggar's wheelchair, to a shopkeeper's back store room, to a child's backpack, etcetera etcetera, all in a continuous flow of motion until dropping into Dev Patel's waiting hands. The fight scenes reminded me of Stephen Chow's martial arts movies, and once I dropped my expectations of a complex plot, I accepted the straightforwardness of Dev Patel's revenge mission. I definitely missed a lot of Indian cultural context (I think there were clips of real life civil unrest / political corruption), and I didn't understand why people at the temple were outcasts until reading the movie's Wikipedia page afterwards. But, it was an entertaining watch overall, and "better than John Wick" according to my friend. 

As for my second friend, he used to live across the street before moving out. While he came over to water his parent's plants, I noticed that he had bought an old 1991 Toyota MR2. Shamelessly, I asked if I could drive it and he agreed. It was my first time driving a "sports car" and the noise coming from the rear engine was a bit jarring at first. However, the clutch was surprisingly shorter than the Corolla's, which made shifting gears a lot quicker. The MR2 also had cute pop-up headlights, a T-top roof, and my friend had modified the steering wheel to be detachable. It was actually really fun to drive, and I can see the appeal of having a hobby car. Coincidentally, my first friend had recently purchased an old car for fun as well, and hopefully I can drive it too >:D My grand plan is to drive my friends around in the Corolla and convince them to get more unique manual cars so I can try them out for fun…

This past weekend, I went on a road trip with college friends to LA! We drove down Friday afternoon, and I think those 6 hours spent in the car were my favorite moments of the entire trip. Something about taking PTO on a Friday afternoon and relishing the freedom of not being at work is very delicious. Anyways, we had a Spotify jam session in which I was introduced to Muse, and now I am a fan of "Won't Stand Down". I'm not usually a fan of bass-heavy songs, but when the bass is melodic I can understand the urge to head-bang. 

The main motivation for visiting LA was to attend the Los Angeles Times Book Festival at USC, but we ended up adding a bunch of other activities. Some highlights include being disappointed at how tasty the Erewhon smoothie was (we split a single smoothie four ways, but went back the next day for another), visiting a jimjilbang in Ktown, sipping tea at a very aesthetically pleasing teahouse in the Arts District, and watching Hazbin Hotel in the AirBnB late at night. 

I also took some film pictures, which are still stuck on my camera, but I will share them when developed!

I'm almost done with Boys in the Boat, and I will start Dune soon after having borrowed a copy from Vivian.

Please tell me about how you've been doing!

how to write an essay [SAD MOTH CH. 3]

I realized that the ratio of angsty musings to productive information on this blog is quite skewed. To convince myself in the future that I did have other thoughts and life events, the next few blogs will recap some travel and career reflections.

Nevertheless, I've been putting off this final chapter of SAD MOTH since the end of 2023, in hopes that there was an alternative ending in store. Given that there are a few exciting events coming up, I wanted to clear the backlog of experiences I have yet to write about, so here we go 😀

In general, I prefer beginnings over endings. Whether in movies, books, trips, or semesters, the infinite branching of possibilities at the start feels much less claustrophobic than the movement of a chip down the Plinko board, hurtling towards a singular outcome. Even in essays, when tasked with writing a conclusion, I wondered why the reader didn't pay close enough attention during the body.

 

Thus, this present task of trying to summarize how I imploded a friendship is one that I've kept on the back burner for a while.

~~~

While drafting speaker notes on how to empathetically (but concisely) conclude our friendship, I recognized that the main theme was grief over a connection of the past. The act of trying to explain to a person what they have meant to you over the past decade or so of knowing them was actually really embarrassing and frustrating. Embarrassing to the point where I wanted to flee the unfolding social disaster, but could not, since I was perpetrating said disaster. Frustrating to the point where I wanted to cry when words to communicate the full context of the situation failed to come (not unlike a toddler I suppose). So much for preparing notes.

It was mortifying to tell a friend that they should leave first because I didn't think I could be the one to walk away. With an awkward pat on the back, we shook hands and saluted to the end of a friendship. 

~~~

And as quickly as things escalated, it ended just like that. I remember crying, feeling annoyed at crying, and trying to rationalize my tears to a stop. Sometimes, a masochistic urge would arise to wallow in the emotion like picking a scab. Given that this was, realistically, a situation of low existential threat, the fact that I've mulled over this hour long interaction for almost half a year is just alskdfjlsdkj. 

A variety of things were subject to grief: the loss of an adolescent best friendship, the casting away of an easy balance of talking about everything and nothing at all (what a cliche). It was a slow realization over many years that I wanted to talk more about somethings rather than nothings, and even actually do things rather than just talk. I can see how "random small stuff" can be synonymous with the trivial or quotidian, but whether I shared milestones or blurry pictures of cars, the fact that they were sent to you first was deterministic. 

 

If I were to be more objective, I can see how the diode of information flowed one way, but not much in the opposite direction. I can also see the break point occurring many years earlier had digital communication not enabled this configuration of friendship.

Anyhoo, a nice brew of injured pride, rejection, indulgent lamentation, and eventual acceptance had been captured from the atmosphere and petrified in this SAD MOTH chapter, as we hope to do with carbon dioxide within stone. 

While the jury is still out on whether this will solve climate change, at least I have some breathing room for what is to come.

biennial poems

When I was reading Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar for the first time around June 2021, her poem Mad Girl's Love Song was included in the foreword (or maybe afterword?). Her verses stood out so much to me at the time, that I immediately sent a photo of the poem's text to my friends. Plath's villanelle is as follows:

Mad Girl's Love Song

By Sylvia Plath

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;

I lift my lids and all is born again.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,

And arbitrary blackness gallops in:

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed

And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:

Exit seraphim and Satan's men:

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,

But I grow old and I forget your name.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;

At least when spring comes they roar back again.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Now, around two and a half years later, Mad Girl's Love Song has risen from the disk drive to the L1 cache of my brain. It is intriguing to recognize these cyclical patterns of emotion as I get older.

Aside from the catchy repetition of the parenthetical "I think I made you up inside my head", and prose reminiscent of 20th century Olivia Rodrigo, one of my favorite lines is "The stars go waltzing out in blue and red", as it reminds me of the blue and red shift phenomenon of stars, where their perceived color changes depending on whether they are traveling towards or away from us, similar to the Doppler effect for sound. To again state the obvious, such a shift in perspective applies to people as well.

The overall celestial imagery (stars, moons, heaven and hell, thunderbirds) is very dramatic and grand, and it delights me to see that Plath wrote the poem around the age of 21, the very age I first encountered her words. Though Plath was subject to mental illness and a tragic ending, at a surface level, her words can echo an embrace of angst that cycles through various mediums in popular culture. In other words, we can all individually wallow as a collective!

For the overthinkers, those experiencing paralysis by analysis, or those second guessing gut-based decisions, cheers to 2024!

Milo was annoyed at the sound of my typing interrupting his sleep, so now I will sleep.

"Le mieux est l'ennemi du bien" [SAD MOTH CH. 2]

*I wrote this in a semi-stream-of-consciousness that emerged from a sense of relief and hollowness somewhat specific to ending approximately 18 years of continuous education and consequently experiencing confusion about what to do with myself. Some light edits have been provided for coherency. Honestly, at some points (now 3 months later), I have no idea what I was trying to say. You are welcome to cringe alongside me.*

~~~

musicals and books and more stuff

I've been catching up on some musicals recently (some bootlegged, some legitimate highlight clips on Youtube), and it's been really entertaining! This realization had popped up not too long ago when I watched a dance choreography showcase at school hosted by the Theater and Performing Arts department, but once again, I was put in awe at the beauty, coordination, and creativity that the human form can achieve. Some musicals I watched included:

1. Hadestown (in its entirety, I especially loved Amber Gray and the number "Way Down Hadestown", and bits of her dancing reminded me of the Wednesday Addams dance in the recent Netflix adaptation (though of course, Hadestown came first))
2. clips from Mamma Mia (before we left for winter break, my normally very quiet apartment-mate was blasting the soundtrack from her room and it was fun to sing it with her)
3. A Very Potter Musical (*chefs kiss*, I've weirdly listened to entire podcast episodes featuring the StarKid Productions actors without actually watching AVPM, but it was lovely and definitely should replace Cursed Child in canon. Also I never made the connection between Darren Criss -> Glee -> AVPM and it was very enlightening). 
4. "Cell Block Tango" from Chicago (many, many renditions and all are fantastic with their quirks. I especially enjoyed the Miscast Killer Kids 2016 and Broadway Backwards 2015 renditions.)  

It was only a few years ago when I learned that Mamma Mia was a jukebox musical, and it got me wondering if someone could write a lofi jukebox musical of Keshi, Joji, khai dreams, etc. But the crisp articulation of musical theater might not blend well with dreamy and half-mumbled bedroom pop? Hm. 

~~~~

Below is a "Library Wrapped" of books that I read from the library, and other titles that I borrowed from friends. I might be missing a few titles, but that's alright :)

1. How Not to Fall in Love (Jacqueline Firkins): enjoyable, light read! I usually will pick up a YA or romance book to ease my brain into reading before trying to parse more dense texts. (This is coded language for: I like reading YA and romance).
2. Gallant (Victoria Schwab)
3. The Anthropocene Reviewed (John Green): saw this in a bookshop in Vermont, read an essay on Green's experience as a chaplain, and checked out the book later from the library
4. The Nightingale (Kristin Hannah): read this while camping
5. A Far Wilder Magic (Allison Saft)
6. Love in the Big City (Sang Young Park): cigarettes, blueberries, friendship
7. A Darker Shade of Magic (Victoria Schwab): reread
8. A Gathering of Shadows (Victoria Schwab): reread
9. People We Meet on Vacation (Emily Henry)
10. A Conjuring of Light (Victoria Schwab): reread
11. Nothing Personal (James Baldwin)
12. Slaughterhouse-Five (Kurt Vonnegut)
13. Circe (Madeline Miller)
14. The Midnight Library (Matt Haig)
15. The Year of Magical Thinking (Joan Didion)
16. The Color of the Sky Is the Shape of the Heart (Chesil)
17. Once Upon A Broken Heart (Stephanie Garber)
18. The Upside of Unrequited (Becky Abertalli)
19. The Wedding Party (Liu Xinwu)
20. The Kidney Hypothetical, Or, How to Ruin your Life in Seven Days (Lisa Yee)
21. All My Rage (Sabaa Tahir): I think I cried, recommend! 
22. Almond (Sohn Won-pyung): reread
23. The Mirror Visitor Series (Christelle Dabos): my fantastical reread series that has replaced Potter since donating the box set rip
24. The Ballad of Never After (Stephanie Garber)
25. Babel - Or the Necessity of Violence: An Arcane History of the Oxford Translators' Revolution (R.F. Kuang): thoroughly enjoyed, has footnotes, maps, academia, and low fantasy
26. Magpie Murders (Anthony Horowitz)
27. Faker (Sarah Smith)
28. Mother-daughter Book Camp (Heather Vogel Frederick): nostalgic reread
29. How Not to Kill Yourself (Set Styes)
30. Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow (Gabrielle Zevin): game dev + love!!!
31. Everything I Know About Love (Dolly Alderton)
32. Faust (Goethe)
33. God Is Not Great (Christopher Hitchens)
34. S (J.J. Abrams)
35. Never Let Me Go (Kazuo Ishiguro)
36. Lost And Found (Orson Scott Card)
37. Project Hail Mary (Andy Weir): enjoyed!!! robots :D
38. On The Road (Jack Kerouac)
39. My Mechanical Romance (Alexene Farol Follmuth): research purposes if I want to write YA romance about a high school robotics team?
40. How Not to be Afraid of Everything (Jane Wong)
41. Gender Queer (Maia Kobabe) 

~~~~

Cheers to 2023! Vague goals for the upcoming year? >:D

• employment lol
• practice I Will Follow You Into the Dark to the point where it is recognizable
• develop the film rolls
• functional uncertainty

~~~~~

Fun pictures from 2022! (December to January)

Apparently "Tahoe" is Washo for "lake", so we've been saying Lake Lake this entire time.

First and Last >:D

Zareen's

upside down (:

lol

Pinnacles

half moon bay

oslo :o

strictly lab business

mickey mouse!

pancakes

2022 :3

parties

In addition to my power electronics and MEMS classes (which would be interesting to write about in a future post), I also happened to enroll in a Cancel Culture seminar run by the Theater, Dance, and Performing Arts Department to fulfill a breadth requirement for my Masters degree. 

If you wish to read about SOIMumps processes, how to wind an inductor, or wrangling with TPUs, please let me know. As no one has reached out to me about those topics yet, I'll ramble a bit about college parties and why I mildly dislike them despite attending a few with people whose company I enjoy. 

(Update: someone has asked me to talk about TPUs!)

I cannot think of a witty caption for this inductor.

I mention the Cancel Culture seminar above as we often talk about cancellation as a from of performance. A selection of ideas brought up in class on the nature of cancel culture includes collective movement, fulfillment and subsequent breaking of roles, performance of complicity vs rage, and elements of opportunism.

In terms of how this relates to college parties: yes,  I am Holden Caulfield. But also, I am explaining to a void why I don't enjoy parties so who's the real phony? 

Anyways, the following will enumerate a few of my social incompetencies for archival purposes.

Collective movement: 

• A culture necessitates a collective of people, preferably heading towards a common location, such as a house that is hosting a party. Time of arrival varies by commute distance, transportation method, and general mood, but can range between 1-3 hours.

Fulfillment/Breaking of roles: 

• I prefer to skulk in the corner, annoying the roommate's cats and eavesdropping on conversations. Imagining everyone else at the party fulfilling the same role elicits some shame, so I push myself in baby steps, first reading the labels on all the liquor bottles before settling on 100% juice concentrate, then asking the host if I can help prepare anything or wash their dishes. Eventually, I remind myself I am an adult with thoughts and opinions. Et voila, pleasant conversation. Before long, I flirt with the idea of attempting to sing karaoke, but thankfully my senses are recovered and I retreat back into the corner. 

Complicity vs rage:

• Complicity towards the assumption that I am not a frolicking type of person has permeated my subconscious to the point where I've convinced myself that I am genuinely out of words on some occasion. Rage (or middling motivation) to contradict that would be misplaced, as it seems like I have plenty of words (as evidenced by this blog) but not much faith in people being interested, and thus preemptively choosing silence. Oops. 

Opportunism:

• In seminar, we always ask if the timely cancellation of a public figure benefits some power structure in the shadows behind them. Whether feigned or genuine, levity (particularly of the inebriated variety) does provide the opportunity for enlightening tidbits of information to be dropped. 

Complaining aside, I appreciate the people who try to pull me out of the shell and take my atypical conversation responses in stride. 

I am filled with determination.

Happy Thanksgiving! 😀

~~~ Encore ~~~

If you're happily anticipating the oncoming season of festivities and group activities -yay! Otherwise, I recently spent a Saturday reading this book, finishing at 1AM, realizing no one was awake for me to talk about the book with, then texting five separate people the same message about my feelings about aforementioned book.   

While criticisms and ways to find fault with the book is always possible, I really enjoyed it! It had a lot of elements that I cherish in books (world-building maps, dark academia vibes, footnotes!!!, some historical elements, long-winded technical explanations, fictional death). >:D

Who needs Goodreads?