oops

rejections on multiple fronts both indirect and quite direct

the more i want something, am i less likely to attain it

but if you don't want anything, can you progress

farming motivation!

In response to my previous haiku, written in the midst of dead week during which stringing together complete sentences takes far too much thought, here is a stretched out piece in which I try to figure out the coming few years of my life in the main way I know how -synthesizing other people's blog posts, cherry picking bits that I like, checking my latest occupational obsession based on the currently airing Kdrama, applying a weighted filter, and tossing it all to the wind.

My current status is a bit flighty. I feel competent but not confident. I suppose I can carry out tasks adequately (or maybe people are too nice to tell me otherwise), so theoretically I can probably jump off any branch, struggle a bit, and safely land. Nonetheless, this approximation of competency isn't too helpful in deciding which branch to leap off of.

To roughly quote my roommate and Captain Levi, "choose for yourself whatever you will regret the least, but don't get eaten".

So, I will turn to others who have mused the question of direction and see which suits myself.

Picking a Career

What can I enjoy in the "tiny unglamorous folds of the fabric of life"? What is a career I can choose that will mold so many aspects of my life (for better or worse). The author offers the following framework to help guide such a decision. Considering my risk tolerance and personal values, I would proportion my Yearning Octopus to be approximately 20% personal (driven by a fear of deathbed regrets and forgotten dreams), 5% social (I'd like to think I'm immune to the judgment of the broader society, save for a few people who hold my delicate ego intact), 5% lifestyle (a fun Friday for me is buying a new flavor of ice cream from Safeway), 20% moral (please let me believe that the world can get better), and 50% practical (thanks, Mom and Dad). 

Unpacking the previous revelations, I think a fear of failure is still the main "scary monster" of my life. Rationally, it isn't a fear of failing society, as I already decided to lower my social tolerance to 5%. I suppose then it is more a fear of practical failure, personal failure, and moral failure. Given my lack of an actual career, surely I cannot have personally or morally failed in those aspects yet. But the practical tentacle isn't exactly quaking yet either given the world's current tech obsession. So really there isn't much for me to fear, and I simply am hesitant to commit to a career that can potentially lead to a path of failure. Which, as I am typing this out, is self-admittedly a bit silly. 

So my general conclusion from this current career advice piece is: try something scary but don't do it half-heartedly. Mind the pace I am attempting life, retrospect and wallow in existential crises once in a while, apply a feedback loop, and keep chugging along. Also, try to get over the fear of fearing potential failure. I'd like to think that the added layer of fear abstraction is some character growth from my previous stage of direct fear-to-failure connection. 

Keeping Friends

Continuing along the theme of figuring out life, the proximity and spontaneity that college provides and friendships thrive on are likely to fade a bit in the coming years. For me, this boils down to putting in the work to reach out to friends and remaining genuine in our interactions :) Appropriate levels of vulnerability and empathy are helpful as well. 

Higher Education!

On the theme of farming motivation, I read a few blogs by people applying to grad school and was somewhat relieved to learn that they also were slightly clueless and not necessarily dead set from birth to pursue a higher degree. It does not need to be about something I think day and night about, as long as I am sufficiently curious and willing to work on it. The prospect of boosting my confidence with a degree I worked on, as well as the comfort of remaining a student perched above the jaws of corporate America for another year, are my main motivations so far. Year One into the pandemic, I thought that a direct pipeline to industry would feed my practicality yearning. Year Two has also passed, and given the constant state of ~uncertainty~, I think my tolerance to last minute swerves has been increased to the point where I apply to a Masters program two months before the deadline. 

Now that I have sufficiently procrastinated by writing this post and decided to Do The Thing, I suppose I should get started. Wish me luck! :D

Yes, I spent the last three days watching four seasons of Attack on Titan. No, I can't be bothered to properly format this image.

updates

• turned 21 some amount of time ago
• indulgent introspection
• fractured my ulna for misguided reasons
• update: misguided insofar as a little bit cute and very much dumb
• reasonably happy and healthy -the Cheerio bee would be proud
• learned to box! (until aforementioned ulnar fracture)
• been good with life™ but can improve on amicability
• motivational song

hai-kyuu

i am so tired

yes, still in a pandemic

job or study more

eye contact in reflections

a list of questions to bother my medical-student brother with:

1. What are the neurological impulses that signify "the meeting of eyes"?

a. "Eye contact" surely cannot be quantified by a ray of light reflecting off the other party's irises and bouncing into our own optical nerve, right? Otherwise, "eye contact" would be considered valid in scenarios with one-way glass or sunglasses.

2. There must be some sort of trigger mechanism that registers the realization: "ah that person has met my eyes".

a.To elaborate, there is a difference between looking at someone's eyes, and meeting someone's eyes. For example, if an optometrist is examining my eyes through an optical instrument, I can sense that their eyes are focused on my eyes. But since I cannot see the optometrist's own eyes, the eye connection is unidirectional and hence the act of "eye contact" did not occur.

3. To describe my understanding of "eye contact" as succinctly as possible:

a. Both parties focus their line of sight on each other's eyes.

b. There is a mutual acknowledgement that the other party knows they are being watched as well.

4. Eye contact is an essential tool of nonverbal communication among most creatures and I've honestly been pondering this question for a few years now, ever since I've developed the habit of observing strangers through their reflections on the subway windows. 

a. Empirically, I have seen (somewhat awkwardly) that eye contact can occur through a third-party medium such as a window reflection. Somehow, along the rays of light from my eyes to the glass to the stranger's eyes, there is the jolt: "Aha. I've been caught spying".

sanguine

Sanguine is an interesting word. I am no etymologist, but for some reason (most likely due to a book I have read in the past) I associate "sanguine" with blood. A quick search on the internet confirms that the second listed definition of the word is "blood red", and further down the list of related terms are "bloodthirsty" and "bloodshed". Synonyms for sanguine include "murderous". Sangrias are often red as well, I believe. 

Sanguine is derived from the Latin word "sanguis" for blood. So I do get quite confused when the top-ranked definition for sanguine is "marked by eager hopefulness, confidently optimistic". Does the optimism come from a murderous intent to smile in spite of difficulty? Does a rush of blood promote the flight-or-fight bodily response that affords an eager hopefulness for survival? There is most likely a logical explanation for the discrepancy in meaning behind this word (perhaps it is just anachronistic terminology), but I will always wonder for a moment whether I should smile at or flee from a person feeling sanguine. 

when you have many things to do but no willpower to get started, you make a bucket list of transportation systems to visit

 1. Hong Kong MTR

2. Eurostar 

3. Shinkansen

4. Moscow metro (look at this map!)

5. Stockholm Metro

I've been lately thinking about ways to become more environmentally conscious beyond the usual sorting of recyclables and compost. Driving less and opting for public transit (if the area permits) would be ideal, which leads me to search for places with good urban planning.